Disagreements are a part of any relationship, whether it’s a romantic, professional, or friendly relationship.
Everyone has different values, points of views, and past experiences that they bring to the table.
Some people want nothing more than to avoid conflict and never want to “fight.” Some people are the opposite, and seem to love arguing and confrontation.
Both ends of the spectrum end up with undesirable results in their relationships:
- If you steer clear of any conflict you are likely not expressing your feelings or issues within a relationship, or you’re constantly giving in to others.
- If you are someone who likes to fight just to be “right” and prove your point, you are likely alienating others because they don’t feel heard or validated.
Since conflict is inevitable, one of the most important things you can do to improve your relationships is to learn how to argue effectively.
Here are some pointers for resolving disputes without getting “emotional”:
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Frame the issue in a constructive way in your head before you have the conversation.
This can be moments before, or days before, an argument. If something is wrong or upsetting you, you want to frame the issue in a way that gets to the heart of what you want to be resolved.
For example, if your partner teases you in front of his or her friends and it’s embarrassing to you or makes you feel bad about yourself, you might choose to say something like this:
“You’re mean when you’re around your friends, it’s like I don’t even know you.”
Framing your response this way is not effective. It’s doing a couple of things:
- It’s not addressing your actual concern – which is that when your partner makes fun of you it makes you feel humiliated and insecure.
- It contains personal attacks that are all but guaranteed to escalate the “conversation” into an full-blown argument.
Instead, sitting down with your partner and expressing your concerns in a constructive way would look something like this:
“I know you like to joke around with your friends, but when you said ‘X’ about me today in front of them, it made me feel embarrassed. I took the joke as personal blow which made me feel bad about myself.”
This response is far more likely to open the door to a productive conversation because:
- It’s not attacking your partner, so they’ll be more open to hear what you’re saying.
- It frames the issue to provoke a response that actually solves the problem.
- It reveals your true concerns or values.
Without you expressing your feelings and thoughts in this way, your partner may not have ever even known that his teasing bothers you.
Which leads to my next tip…
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Don’t assume THEY know what YOU’RE thinking.
“Well, ANYONE would be offended if they were teased in front of a group” you might think.
You might think.
The other person may not feel that way. They may think that teasing you is endearing or assume that you think it’s cute.
Even when something seems SO obvious to you, don’t assume it’s obvious to the other person. Because often it’s not.
The point of sharing your true thoughts and feelings is avoid any confusion about your point of view. It takes the other person’s assumptions of what you’re thinking completely out of the equation.
And along those same lines…
Don’t Assume YOU Know What THEY’RE Thinking.
I like to think of myself as intuitive and very good at reading people. This often gets me into trouble when I argue because I assume, without asking the other person, that they are thinking or feeling a certain way.
Often, they are not thinking the thoughts I attributed to them in my mind. (Shocker, right?)
Always ask for the other person’s perspective even if you are POSITIVE in your own mind that they are feeling a certain way.
And when you express your feelings, let them respond without interruption…
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Listen to Listen, Not to Respond.
I know I’m definitely guilty of listening to the other person’s side only to pick out points to counter-argue. I’d say it’s the lawyer in me, but I argued this way long before I became an attorney.
When you feel strongly about an issue or your emotions are running high, it’s so easy to want to interrupt the other person when they make a statement you view as “wrong” or “insulting.”
It’s really hard to maintain composure and continue to listen without judgment – trust me I still struggle with this!
But when you interrupt the other person, you’re doing several things:
- You’re not truly hearing what that person is saying and, in turn, you’re not understanding how they feel.
- By not listening to their full perspective you are likely jumping to conclusions or making assumptions and, therefore, not even on the same page when it comes to the disagreement.
- You’re making them feel unimportant or invalidated, like what they have to say doesn’t matter to enough to you to let them finish.
If you’re having a really difficult time letting something go without interrupting, just tell yourself something like this:
“I can come back to that point when it’s my turn to respond, right now I have to hear her out so that I understand her perspective.”
It’s hard for people to express their innermost thoughts and feelings out loud, so if you interrupt or attack them mid-sentence, they’re going to shut down.
And be less likely to open up in the future.
On the same note…
Be Vulnerable.
Winning arguments only gets you so far in life.
If you want to have good relationships with the people around you, you have to be willing to be a little vulnerable.
Without being vulnerable, you are doomed to have ineffective communication because the other person cannot fully understand your true positions or values.
It’s uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re not used to opening up to other people.
But I promise you, you will be happier in your relationships and your friends/family/partner will understand you much better if you’re willing to share.
And finally…
Be Humble.
Most of the time you’re in an argument with someone (unless it’s a stranger on the street) it’s because you care about them. Or at the very least the relationship is important to you for one reason or another, even if it’s not personal.
Which means you are going to continue to have interactions with this other person.
Which further means that you want to maintain a level of respect between each other, right?
There’s nothing I respect more in a person than her willingness to admit when she’s wrong or to acknowledge a mistake.
I’ve found that I feel a lot better about myself as well when I admit to someone that I was wrong or mistaken.
Admitting you’re wrong not only creates comfort for the person you’re in a relationship with, but it bolsters your credibility in general.
When you admit when you’re wrong regularly, it increases others’ reliability on your opinions in future arguments. They will be more inclined to think your position is valid or right.
For example, they may think “I trust this person to admit when he’s wrong, so I also trust that his argument on this point is legitimate.”
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Final Thoughts
Effective communication is the key to any healthy relationship, especially in times of conflict.
If you can perfect the art of listening and responding in a respectful way, your relationships will thrive.